operation harelip BJ is a go
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Randomize
