and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
