You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
