I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
