I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
