Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
