Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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