what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
