just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
