Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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