I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
