Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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