oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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