dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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