***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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