dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
