Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
