I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
