its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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