The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
