if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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