my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
