I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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