Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You dont lie about slip and slides
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
