I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
