this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
that may or may not have been my penis.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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