You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
