The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
