I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
