We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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