Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
