I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
