So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
