i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
