The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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