Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
