you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm both gender and math confused
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
