I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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