Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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