i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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