On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
