"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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