My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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