Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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