I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
