all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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