just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I cannot find my penis.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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