someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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