You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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