I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
