"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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