If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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