I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
