can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
