Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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