Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
