there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
