Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
